It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
