I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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