Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
