I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
