If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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