My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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