party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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