yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
