I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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