Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
