My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
