my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
