Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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