hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Houston, we have a blender
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
