Three words: puerto rican gang bang
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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