i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
