She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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