Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
