mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
