i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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