Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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