i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
being pregnant is like rehab
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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