just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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