When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
