I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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