i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
