you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
