If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
