Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
