It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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