That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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