Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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