that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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