Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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