If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
