you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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