I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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