I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
