Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
