I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
