I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
