i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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