have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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