Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
