Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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