I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
