I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
