when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
