you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He? As in you personified your dick?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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