why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
