I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
